oblivion

2010-03-23T23:06:00.001+08:00

no,i am not ok.
i am exhausted.
life is exhausting.
loving people is exhausting.
and thinking you've lost someone you love?

well,that's the most exhausting of all.

-asyraf

my fork in the road

2010-03-23T23:04:00.001+08:00

i came.i saw.i wanted to conquer.for good reasons.but you didn't even give me the chance.don't say i didn't try.don't say i didn't wait.i tried.i waited.not days,not weeks,not months.but years.i doubt you even noticed.if you did,you obviously didn't care.it is time i get closure.you're not worth my time.you're not worth my money.you're not worth my investment.unless you convince me otherwise.i am still willing but i've got my limits too.

-asyraf

to whom it may concern;what i want you to know

2010-03-17T15:28:00.004+08:00

What i want,is for you to not be scared to try again
What i want,is for you to not change the way you are
What i want,is for you to rest upon a chance
What i want,is for you to give us a chance
What i want,is for you to know that i've been fighting for a chance
What i want,is for you to mend
What i want,is for you to take my hand
What i want,is for you to be on the top of the world
What i want,is for you to let me help you get there
What i want,is for you to know this isn't the end
What i want,is for you to know that i will never stop
What i want,is for you to forget
What i want,is for you to know i'm here now
What i want,is for you to know i have always been and always will be
What i want,is the best for you
What i want,simply,is you.

2010-03-14T22:43:00.000+08:00

Let's talk about one,
You gotta hear me out
Do you really want to be the last to know
what it's all about
Let's talk about who you say
Is the essence of your life
But he'll eat you up from inside slow
And then he doesn't wanna know

Listen, I mean it
There's nothing that he's worthy of
He's just another player
I've seen enough, now this must come to an end

All Night Dance Parties In The Underground Palace;

2010-03-09T15:45:00.001+08:00

Beautiful you know you leave me breathless when
You fall into my eyes
My heart belongs to you my angel
There is just no reason for you to let
Life bring you down
Please come with me and let me show you

I know that at times it may be hard
To let go of yourself
Baby girl tonight leave your cares behind
Because it's time to celebrate
All night long I'll sing and dance with you
My sweet princess only if you trust in this...
Take my hand and follow me
I will sweep you
(I will sweep you)
Off of your feet
All night long I will sing and dance with you

Everytime I look at you I can't believe
How Magical you are
The stars belong to you my angel
Run away with me into a world where time
Seems to not exist
The smile on my face will show you

I know that at times it may be hard
To let go of yourself
Baby girl tonight leave your cares behind
Because it's time to celebrate
All night long I'll sing and dance with you
My sweet princess only if you trust in this...
Take my hand and follow me
I will sweep you
(I will sweep you)
Off of your feet
This night will only end when we stop
Dancing

My sweet princess
I will sing and dance with you
(All night long)
The stars, they belong, to you My Angel

All night long I'll sing and dance with you
My sweet princess only if you trust in this...
Take my hand and follow me
I will sweep you
(I will sweep you)
Off of your feet
This night will only end when we stop

In Her Tomb By The Sounding Sea

2010-03-09T00:44:00.000+08:00

So I'm thinking we should maybe just run away from here.
With no plan of coming back.
We can stay away forever, our anguished love will be all we have.
And I will save your life.
It's happening again, it's happening again.
I won't watch you die.
It's happening again, it's happening again.

I can see it's not the first time you have come and taken her from me.
Rest assured it's not the last time, I'm going to set you free.
You took her once, shame on you.
You took her twice, shame on me.

Whisper softly and tell me you love me.
I'm losing you, I don't know what to do.
Please forgive me and know that I am sorry.
I'm losing you, I don't know what to do.
Trapped inside a memory, I'm falling apart.

Do you realize it's over?
There's no chance of leaving here alive.
You don't realize what you're saying, without me you can't survive.
You took her once, shame on you.
You took her twice, shame on me.

Whisper softly and tell me you love me.
I'm losing you, I don't know what to do.
Please forgive me and know that I am sorry.
I'm losing you, I don't know what to do.
Trapped inside a memory, I've lost it all.

I'm falling apart, you've ripped out my heart.
I'm falling apart, I don't know where to start.
I don't want to go, it's happening again, it's happening again
But I can't let it show, I'll be with her again, together till the end.
If I have to go, it's happening again, it's happening again
I'll be damned if I'm alone, I'll be with her again.

Whisper softly and tell me you love me.
I'm losing you, I don't know what to do.
Please forgive me and know that I am sorry.
I'm losing you, I don't know what to do.
Trapped inside a memory, I'm falling apart.
I've lost it all.

2010-03-09T00:39:00.002+08:00

it's not the first time you have taken away from me
you took her from me once,shame on you
if i let you take her from me twice,shame on me
oh and i'll kill you too

on a side note,i don't know how long i can keep it from you
i'm bursting to let you know
honestly,i'm about to break
i'm falling apart
i'm standing closer to the edge than i should be allowed

-asyraf

my head says leave;my heart asks to where?

2010-03-07T00:30:00.001+08:00

i am getting nowhere.
i am not even close to getting a step ahead.
i am where i've always been.
at the bottom of you pecking order.

-asyraf

does it even matter?

2010-03-04T23:37:00.001+08:00

You can’t see that I’m hurting . You don’t notice the pain . It feels like everyone else is sitting in the sunshine , while I drown in the rain . I don’t understand why you fight for the ones that make you cry while you keep turning a blind eye to me who,as much as you allow me to, tries my best to make and keep you happy.

deluded;

2010-03-04T22:57:00.002+08:00

as they say,it takes both hands to clap.
for now and for the forseeable future,i will be clapping air and clapping alone.
you,playfully,take every chance you get to insult me.
i don't mind that.
in fact,i kind of like it.
it's a part of you that makes you seem so irresistible.
it's one of the many things about you that i find attractive.
but the way you react to the thought of us or even when people tease about us,that just hurts.
i don't know why,in that sense,you detest me so much.
too bad i don't have the guts to ask you what you really feel.
too bad i don't have the guts to tell you how i really feel.
because i treasure this close friendship that we have somehow forged and i don't want to mess it up.
but i really wonder,at times,what you would say or do,if you really knew..

-asyraf

detached;

2010-03-03T19:28:00.002+08:00

i've got so much to say,i'll keep going.
my best dude says,
'just go for it.
someone who never gives up is infinitely better than someone who backs down'
but if it's for a lost cause,am i doing the right thing by not giving up?
i struggle to go on.hell,i am constantly on the verge of breaking down by keeping all this inside from you.
let me know just how you feel
for i am lost without you
i cannot live at all.
at.fucking.all.

there's oceans in between us.sure.
but to me,that's not very far.
i am willing to go that distance just to get to you.
words are only words.
but i can prove it to you.
whatever it is,whatever happens between you and your issues,
if it makes you happy,even if it is at my own expense,then so be it.
to see you happy,to see you smile,at the end of the day,is what matters most to me.

" pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

you could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that I'll protect you
from all of the obscene

I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far"

-asyraf

i am officially emotionally drained;

2010-03-03T18:50:00.003+08:00

people say that i am crazy and blind
but i am willing to risk it all away
am i so blind that i keep making myself go through this shit?
there are so many out there and yet it is you i want,still want,will ever want.
why?why the fuck do i feel this way?
you've made it clear about where i stand.
so why am i tearing up as i write this out?
i am not ashamed to admit that.
call me loser.whatever.
this is the only outlet i have to let all of this out.
i certainly won't be saying any of this to you personally.
you've got so much issues of your own that you are going through.
see?this is my problem.
i care too much.it's my fucking weakness.
that and the fact that my knees go weak everytime i see you.

i may not look like it,but inside,my heart is in turmoil.
this emotional rollercoaster,i've been on it for way too fucking long.
let me out.please.
i will never be as good as he was.
i will never be able to do the things he did for you.
i don't aim to.
because in the end,he broke your heart.
and that's not what i want.
i want to save you.heal you.
tell me why can't i be there where you are?
am i so bad?are your standards just so fucking high?
you said that,back then,i came at the wrong time.
when IS the right time?
i don't blame you.
i suppose i am just not good enough for you.

" i've got this feeling
that you're not gonna stay
it's burning within me

i wish i didn't need you so bad
your face just won't go away"

-asyraf

anguish from the sentimental fool that i am;

2010-03-03T18:18:00.003+08:00

for reasons that have been eluding me,i can never ever figure out why the fuck i keep coming back.
why bother?you obviously don't.you pretend like i mean nothing to you.
having said that,why do you keep going back to him?he obviously treats you like shit.
i can help you.i can save you.i'll treat you like as if it's the last thing i'll ever do on earth.
i am almost literally crying out to you.you keep ignoring me.
i can't understand why we can't be.

call me crazy but everytime i close my eyes,it's you i see.it's you i think about.
each time you brush me off,a little bit more of me dies inside.
what is it that am i lacking?what does he have that i don't?
money?cars?if that's all you care about,i can give you all that too.in time.
i pretend not to care.pretend that it is not fucking killing me inside.
but deep down,it's you i want and no other.
what do i have to do,honestly!?
they say i'm wasting my time.it's a lost cause.
but how can i give up on you when you're all i think about day in,day out?

i am going crazy keeping all of this inside.i am dying to tell you.
but they say it's better if i let things be.it's better off this way.
so i keep silent and hold it in.for how much longer,i am not sure.
my chest is in knots as i sit here writing this out and you on my mind.
nobody else but you.
let me in...
i can heal you.i can save you.
a chance.that is all i am asking for.
i am not forcing you.i understand you have your own issues.
this is just a confession from a broken heart.

"with or without you
i feel the pain"

-asyraf

timing is everything.

2010-02-09T02:09:00.002+08:00

for the fun of it,i thought why not?
i can't sleep and it's been a long time since i last updated this blog.
a lot has happened and changed since my last post.
which was way back in october.
wow that's pretty long.
Manan is still barely around.
he's busy serving the nation.
i,on the other hand,am still around.
for a while,i thought my life changed for the better.
i thought i had moved on from you and i thought i had met someone better.
turns out she's a bitch who toyed with me for her own amusement.
and to you asshole,i've have nothing going on with your girlfriend you insecure freak.
if you've got a problem,i'm right here bitch.

anyway,here's my agenda for the week.

- survive UT week.
- attempt to not fail any modules
- finally get that guitar
- to spend as little as possible
- to eat as little as possible
- to think of you as little as possible
- to keep it all inside and not mess us up.again.
- to convince myself that i am NOT into you.again.

good night.

current music listening to: BD_L3FTOVERZ! - One Morning Left

stay still;let me in to your world

2009-10-05T22:37:00.002+08:00

the past is being blatant about not wanting me in.
the past is not a place i should re-visit.
the past is full of mistakes and regrets and heartbreaks.

the future is not much better off.
the future is dark,doubtful and uncertain to a worrying extent.
the future is a place i am heading into blindly,thrust forward with no manual.

the present is full of disappointments,reminders of failures and dreams i failed to achieve.
the present is a bully,constantly throwing me around and hits me at the most unexpected moments.
the present is a horrifying dimension that i stumble through just to survive.

so where do i escape this miserable and haunting existence?
tell me,is there even an escape?

there is so much you do not know.there is so much you refuse to know.
i can never be,the person you want me to be.
as the saying goes,i am what i am.
this is who i am,not perfect,but a man of flesh and blood with feelings and hopes and dreams.
just. like.you.

expectations and promises weigh like the world on my shoulders.
dragging me down,slowing me to a motion like no other.
i trip,i fall,i struggle,i work my way up on my feet,i start again.
is there no end to this vicious cycle?

there is a world i created that i hide myself in from time to time.
a dark world of bloodshed and murderous desires.
a dark world of misery and contempt.
a dark world i keep checking into because simply,it is addictive.
a dark world where no one is out to get me,where no one,in fact,can get to me.
it is a world where,when i am at my most pitiful,at my most worthless hour,i am King and i reign supreme.

Welcome to My World.

...

lies to my face;its nothing new to me

2009-10-01T01:08:00.003+08:00

they say everything must come to an end.
so tell me,is there an end when there's no beginning?

'my mind is made up;
but my heart is giving up'

....

look in my eyes....

2009-09-30T01:09:00.004+08:00

too long for sure
i have been running away
it is time i stop trying
a new beginning
on the horizon
version 1.0
will be unveiled
i will stare down a loaded gun
the future is mine for the taking
look
look
look
into this new future's face

...

the secret is out...

2009-09-20T00:26:00.002+08:00

MARS IS COMING.
THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS.
30 DAYS LEFT.

...

the time is now...

2009-09-20T00:13:00.002+08:00

hari raya is here?already?
time flies huh?
well,i am not really looking forward to raya-ing
i'm looking forward more to driving.
Dad is letting me drive the MPV for raya.
awesome.
strangely,i am also looking forward to school re-opening.
i'm looking forward to playing soccer again.
i am looking forward to October.
lots of cool thing happening in October.
i don't why im not in the mood for raya.
to be honest,i havent been in the mood for the past couple of years.
i've lost that passion i suppose.
i have outgrown it.
oh wells...

p.s. the countdown begins....

something random...

2009-09-15T01:07:00.007+08:00

okay i didnt want to post anything emo.
so this is my official list of vehicles that i have driven so far.
in numbered order:-

1)Nissan Latio Sedan(Auto)
2)Citroen Berlingo 1.6(Manual)
3)Nissan Presage 2.5 MPV(Auto)
4)Mistubishi Lancer GLX(Manual)

p.s. these are not mine nor my family car.

sailing alone around the room...

2009-09-09T15:45:00.001+08:00

i don't like it as much as you don't.
i don't want to be vengeful towards you.
there is no point.
we're both are more matured than that.
so let's stop running
and start facing

...

i can't escape...

2009-09-08T23:02:00.003+08:00

it may seem like i don't care
it may seem like it does not affect me
it is all just a pretense
because deep down
i am afraid
afraid of the hurt
afraid of getting broken again
afraid of the answer
afraid of failing again
afraid of the disappointment
afraid i will never be able to pick myself again

i lie to myself every single moment
that i do not care anymore
the honest fact is
i still do
i still check on you
even though you will never know
i am happy whenever you are
i wish you would let me reach out to you everytime you go down
i wish you were here..
but i do not have the courage
to believe...

...

where is my salvation?

2009-09-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

blogger hates me.
it just wont let me post pictures.
i guess i will just have to post on twitter.
i have great pics of me and the guys sheesha-ing last week.
oh wells.

anyway,things are so-so i suppose.
my relationship with my family is getting better.
thats a good thing.
i went shopping the other day.
bought clothes and jeans.
next,vans sneakers.
i might have to declare bankrupt soon.

so lately a few things have been on my mind.
i miss a few people.
one of whom i would probably never see again.
even if i do,she'll avoid me.
others are people i havent seen for some time.
and to you,
out of them all,
i miss you the most.

...

oh how it aches...

2009-08-26T23:02:00.000+08:00

the holidays has only just started
but,due to issues i am having at home,
i couldn't make it to W15P's chalet outing.
i feel bad.
heck,i am already starting to miss those idiots.
thinking about them,
the fun we had,
the errmmm,hard work we have done in class,
makes me wish we do not have to change classes next semester.
heck,we've only like really started to bond for about the past 3-4 weeks i think?
shit.
my new class better be as awesome as W15P.
or i swear i will beat them up upside down and inside out.
oh and there better be hot chicks too next semester.
at least that way,i won't miss W15P too much.
W15P rules.
the next batch who uses our class next semester,
DO NOT MESS UP THE ROOM.
or else we will come back for you people.

for the hopeless romantics...

2009-08-25T15:20:00.001+08:00

the way i see it
life is black and white
the bright lights are captivating
almost irresistable even
sorrow holds no meaning there
trouble is non-existent

but look deeper
open your eyes
open your minds
even with eyes wide shut
you will see
it is full of fakes and frauds

i chose to live my life in the dark
unlike the fakes and frauds of the famed bright lights
the dark will never betray me
the dark is all i have
i've tried living my life on the other side
but it stabbed me in the back
staked my heart
and left me bleeding

love is a big shot there
but love is nothing more than just a word
a word the sadly ignorant utter with lustful desire
ironically,love is just loneliness in disguise
when you have had your share
love shoots you in the face
leaving you
traumatised
miserable
hopeless
hapless
despairing
desperate
and ultimately,
LONELY

Love
is a misguided,deluded misconception
Love
is a lie i have no faith
and do not believe in

...

2009-08-23T01:16:00.002+08:00

'i hide in the shadows;
the bright lights shuns me'

p.s blog song

God Wears Gucci - blessthefall

as promised.
their new single.

fuck this shit

2009-08-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

i am sick of it.
i am sick of falling.
i am sick of hoping.
i am sick of waiting.
i am sick of thinking.
i am sick of YOU.
i am fucking tired.
i am fucking pissed.
friends?what friends?
never there when the time really calls for it.
i am fucking alone.
yeah my post is emo again.
so what?fuck you and your opinions.
what do i care?
do you care?
fuck off.
and they said 'go find love.you're in a pathetic mess'
here's my reply
FUCK LOVE.
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN LOVE.

and that's what she said...

2009-08-20T22:31:00.001+08:00

so she said
'Jared Leto and 30 Seconds to Mars?
Yeah i've heard of them
awesome?
nah...
they are bland,boring and well....sucky.
no offence.'

BLAND??
BORING??
SUCKY!!??

she literally broke my heart with those words.
hahah
nah.
its her opinion.
i told her no offence taken and i meant it.

and you,
i saw you looking at me.
though you tried to hide by quickly looking away.
when i look at your face,
beautiful it may be,
it reminds me
of why i walked away.
but somehow and strangely,
i actually miss you...
i don't know how and why our friendship turned sour.
its probably because of your idiotic guy.
but i wish
i could turn back time...

'it can be repaired,
so be prepared'

...

p.s blog song

Sailing Around The Room - Of Machines

one of the best vocals in the underground rock scene.
wait for it.
enjoy the 1+ min of instrumental
then when the vocals and screams kick in,
get ready to be blown away...

and the conservatives...

2009-08-19T23:55:00.001+08:00

i received a few complaints(again)
that my blog song is too noisy(yes.she said noisy.)
so here's something lighter
for the conservative ears
:)

blog song is now
City on the edge of Forever by A Skylit Drive

UT3 is here
my mind is only on two things
surviving Dad at home.
the other thing?
well.......

and here's to you...

2009-08-14T22:44:00.003+08:00

okay i got a few complaints
that my posts are too emo and depressing.
so this post will be different.or rather,a typical blog post like other people's.
here's to you people...

today was awesome.
we had cognitive in school.
and our faci the best,awesome ever.
well for this semester anyway.
hahah
i am so gonna miss the guy.
he is so nice to us.
he bought us treats and stuff.
and today he bought Ruffles and M&Ms for everyone.
awesome or what?

i seriously cannot believe that two more lessons and the semester is over.
next semester we will be split up into different classes.
and let me just say that suck balls.big balls.
W15P is so motherfucking awesome.
everyone is just so cool.
well except for one guy.and we all know who i am talking about.
i am gonna miss my brothers in crime.
Guntur,Khan,Afiq,Darren,Rayson,Steven,Jason.
the kopitiam smoke breaks that we have daily.
the fun.
the laughter.
the jokes.
the lookout for chicks.
the messing with the intercom guy in the lifts.
the daily misuse of the hand sanitizer.
the...everything...
it feels like i am graduating all over again.
a special thanks to Denny who helped me in my Science.
you and your almost often utterance of 'kage bunshin no jutsu!'
annoying it may be,it will still be missed.

i dont forget the ladies in our class either.
thanks for making these past 15 weeks among the best weeks i have ever had.
oh and i caught a movie with anna today.
after the break up with jason,God knows she needs to take her mind off things.
being the good friend that i am,i accompanied her.
the movie,UP,was generally boring.
but it wasnt totally worthless.
after all,i spent time with a friend.
and thats what matters.
hold your head up high anna.
you'll pull through.
you know where to find me if there's anything.

well its not just goodbyes.
i was introduced to a new friend recently.
so,hello there.
i may not know her that well yet.
but shes pretty damn awesome.
her class is on the same level as mine
and yet i've never noticed her only until recently.
what the hell is wrong with me??
sheesh.
anyway,im glad we're friends :)

on a different note,
blessthefall is back!!
check out their new single,God Wears Gucci,from their new album called Witness which will be released
in October.
the current blog song is by them.
its called 'I Wouldn't Quit If Everyone Quit'
it was the last single when Craig Mabbit was still their frontman.

so thats it.
a lengthy post.its what you guys want isnt it? :)
im pretty sure i forgot to mention some things.
but i'll include it in the next post.
oh and Manan,
you're missed dude.in a manly way of course.
Irni,you're missed dearly too.in a platonic way of course.
i understand how bitchy NAFA can be.so no worries.
take care my friends.

and there is no point...

2009-08-13T11:42:00.005+08:00

in me blogging as much as before.
my days are predictable.
filled with false hopes.
pretense.
mistakes.
falls.
trip ups.
chokes.
bullshits.

the only things getting me through
are my own patience
my guitar
blessthefall
my bros in school
and the Guy up there.

on the upside,
i was introduced to someone pretty awesome.
but i shall not get ahead of myself.
that is another story for another post.
heh

p.s. i managed to pass all except programming for the UT2.
I got an A,B+,C+,D+ and E.

p.p.s blessthefall has come out with a new single.
its awesome.shall upload a.s.a.p

p.p.p.s feel like picking up smoking again.
or something to take it all away.
even if its for a while...

...

and i've been pushed away...

2009-08-07T22:48:00.000+08:00

This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of liking you

Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown eventually break down

My sacrifice of hiding in a lie
My sacrifice is that you will never know the truth

Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind

I will never know
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away

I've tried like you
To do everything you wanted to
This is the last time
I'll take the blame for the sake of liking you

And this chapter
is about to end

You speak of
Your mistreated heart
Yet you are too blind and selfish to see
You're doing unto me what you don't want unto you

I said i would never rest one day
And i never did
But you never acknowledged
As i tried to reach for your hand
That i can never hold on

...

and the paranoia...

2009-08-07T11:50:00.003+08:00

so haunting from deep within

the fear of losing you;
i fear is never-ending

its always the difficult ones i get;
and the wrong ones i'm after

it takes me to an all-time low
...

and...

2009-08-05T10:52:00.003+08:00

i would keep on screaming
but there's really nothing left
for me to say

all i really want now
is for you
to stay

the worst part
is waking up to
a neverending
nightmare

waking up
to continue the chase
of a beyond reach
dream

...

and my heart is set...

2009-08-01T22:38:00.000+08:00

there are no more doubts in my mind;
it is you and only you whom i want

but i am willing to take it slow

...

and hear me out...

2009-07-29T00:11:00.001+08:00

for God's sake
please
don't you forget me
i will
wait for
you

...

'Your life is my well being
And if it lay in the shadows then so be it
But let it be known that this soldier will not rest a day
Until he lays in the glamour and the grace of his bride
I will not rest one day until my victims blood is shed
Up and down the shorelines'

my world has burned...

2009-07-26T06:17:00.001+08:00

just what the fuck is going on?
i waited.
thats what the fuck happened.
i waited.
and just like that.
its all motherfucking gone.
i was so certain.
you were the one.
fuck.
WHY!?
why does it have to always be this way?
why?
why me?
shit.
its motherfucking 6 in the fucking morning.
with you on my mind.
and i came across them.
and the motherfucking pain.
it fucking hurts!
fuck i promised myself
i would never let myself
get shot
get broken
ever again
but just look at me now.
fucking pathetic.
heartbroken.again.
i fucking allowed myself
to get heartbroken.again.
drowning in my own misery.
at 6 in the fucking morning.
fucking alone.
at home.
what the fuck has become of me?
i dont have a soul anymore.
fuck.
i dont have a heart anymore.
it can never be pieced again.
and i am going to have to face you.
the whole day.
today.
i will be painfully reminded.
constantly.
did i mentioned it fucking hurts?
it fucking hurts damn it!

'i still want you
i still need you
i will wait for you'

i am digging my own grave
you will never feel the same way
but mine just won't go away

and i am painfully reminded...

2009-07-24T20:52:00.007+08:00

of why i lost faith in you
you're back with a vengeance
when all i wanted was her
but you could not even let me have that
i let my heart had its way
and it listened to your whisperings
you tugged its strings
and i fell
head over heels
i let you in
thinking you would heal me
for real this time
this heart will never be the same
the pieces can never be pieced again
this sorrow
this helplessness
this fucking misery
i am willingly
drowning myself in
will i ever pick myself up this time
you smiled
at what she meant to me
you smiled
knowing this was a perfect chance
to hurt me
you smiled
your smile
hauntingly beautiful
all i wanted...
all i wanted was...
all i wanted was her...

i hate you,Love.

'why am i always waiting around;
to have my heart ripped off?

i don't want perfect;
i just want you'

and so it has to be asked...

2009-07-23T11:31:00.004+08:00

so far
so lost
so confused
yet i keep on going
yet i keep on trying
yet i keep on wanting

am i foolish
am i delusional
or
am i on the right path?

'the roads are dark;
but i'll keep finding a way to get to you

living in the shadows of those who are already there;
is such a hard,cold,miserable reality

a little bit,a little while;
is just not enough'

...

and...

2009-07-21T10:22:00.002+08:00

its so much harder to breathe;
when my every breath screams your name

this fire inside;
its still burns

i'd trade just about anything;
to have you here with me

note to self:-
there is no rush.

...

and tell me...

2009-07-16T11:55:00.002+08:00

are you afraid
because you know you're wrong
or
are you afraid
because you know i am right?

...

'you chose the wrong person;
to play with

but i am still willing to forgive you;
if you'll admit your mistake'

and with each day...

2009-07-14T13:21:00.003+08:00

it gets harder to breathe;
when every breath screams your name

my life turns black and white;
an ending without a story to begin with

you won't stop chasing your dreams,your wants;
neither will i

...

and it hits me...

2009-07-13T23:12:00.002+08:00

after all these time
how could i have not seen
that it has always been you
who was at the back of my mind
you have never really given me a chance
but you gave me a reason why
i comprehend and respect your decision
but
i
will
wait
this feeling is unreciprocated
but it is you
who i want
its is you
who i need
and when you wake up
from you never-ending nightmares
i
will
be
here

...

and this is my appreciation...

2009-07-13T10:02:00.003+08:00

to you
the one who called herself my 'friend'
the one who is just across me everyday
the one who made me confused
the one who i may or may not still have feelings for
the one who treated me like a cheap toy
the one who came to me when she needed me
the one who now threw me out when she got bored
thank you
for nothing
for the hurt
for treating me like dirt
thank you
really

...

and he's gone...

2009-07-10T22:37:00.003+08:00

obviously you don't need me around as much
as it used to be
and i am not referring
to the usual suspect

...

to my bestest dude,manan
you'll survive NS man
i have faith in you
but i'm sure you already know that
like what i said when i text you yesterday
i really wish we could have met up
but you won't be gone long
you know where to find me
if you need me

...

'all i can say is;
maybe'

and just to make things clear...

2009-07-08T14:44:00.002+08:00

FUCK LOVE

i am losing my senses
i am losing you
i am losing everything
i am going off the deep end
there's no saving me now
or is there?

...

'this miserable black heart;
has broken apart

it will never be same;
no matter the game

there is no bright side;
it is so dark and cold in here'

and from deep within...

2009-07-07T15:18:00.000+08:00

'i would trade just about anything;
to have you'

...

and it spills...

2009-07-06T12:57:00.001+08:00

i've been trying to tell you
i've been dying to reach you
but my extension cord
couldn't reach that far

...

and look...

2009-07-06T11:48:00.002+08:00

tell me
what do you see?

'pain;
helplessness;
patience;'

and it shows...

2009-07-05T23:04:00.006+08:00

i can tell
when i should
just give up
no point fighting
for a lost cause
my mind screams
GIVE UP
my heart says
if you give up now
you will never know
what might and could happen

....

'blindly following my heart;'

'i'll tear in two;
and never lie to you'

'singing a song;
but you won't sing along'

and i feel...

2009-07-05T22:48:00.002+08:00

lost
clueless
unsure
undecided
i am trying to keep it
the way you want it
i am struggling to hold myself in
i am burning up
tearing up on fire
this passion inside
begs to be set free
but there are lines i can't cross
and promises i have to keep
the questions are
when and how

...

'watching it all unfolds awkwardly;
from a distance in misery'

and i am...

2009-07-03T00:00:00.000+08:00

disappointed
and
down
to
the
core

...

and do you want to...

2009-07-02T15:13:00.004+08:00

Bring your secrets to me.
Just give me your hands
and I'll let you feel the wounds
they put in me
If you believe in me
how can I be dissolving?
If you'd believe me
I'd tell you everything

Do you fall too? (Everytime that I)
Yes I fall. (Everytime that I)
Do you want to, (Try to pacify)
fall into me? (Fall into me, fall into me)
Into me.

...

'and i keep on pretending
that everything is fine
and i keep on acting
like i am fine'

and i am...

2009-07-01T23:53:00.002+08:00

lost
there is this urge
that i can't suppress inside
to look for you
this need
i can't seem to fight
that dark feeling of dread
upon realisation
these thoughts of you
and knowing
that you don't feel the same
that you're not by my side
is eating me up inside

...

'i think i am going crazy;if i am not already'

and please...

2009-07-01T17:37:00.004+08:00

don't change a thing
don't change
the person i fell for
don't change at all
it might be too much for me
but to me you're perfect
maybe it's just my deluded fantasy
maybe it's just another one of my many dreams
that will never be achieved
whatever it is
i know what i want
and
i want you
if you need me
i'll be somewhere

waiting

...

'and i make believe
that i am just fine
if your hand is in mine
i will be fine'

and...

2009-06-30T23:02:00.002+08:00

beneath this exterior
is just
emptiness
nothingness
helplessness
hopelessness
senseless
thoughtless
gutless
careless
mindless

none of you can spare me
for i am just
another picture
on the pile
...

'my eyes are closed
but i am still awake
my last breath
is yours to take'

and i am now...

2009-06-30T16:13:00.004+08:00

one lost,confused,motherfucking loser
i've never thought about how just a few words can kill
now i am feeling the aftershocks of it
burn me down now
it's the only way to save me from the pain
i'm burning
because i cared
because i was naive
because i listened to my heart instead of my head
why did i listened to my heart?
because its you
because...
because.

'fuck this shit
for i am
broken
no wait
for i am
beyond repair
no wait
for i am
DEAD'

and i won't...

2009-06-30T02:00:00.005+08:00

be able to hold on much longer
just once more
and i will be broken and hurt
beyond repair
beyond healing
will i ever learn my lesson
i wonder
no i do not believe in it
but i
am
somewhere
waiting
...

'don't cut me down
don't count me out
just yet...'

and right now...

2009-06-27T23:03:00.003+08:00

can you hear the silence?
its my heart
its not beating anymore
do you even care?
of course you don't.
somebody revive my heart.
wait.
don't bother.
there's no point.
cause
I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE IN LOVE.
AND YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE.

'It was my heart,
It was my life,
It was my start,
It was your knife. '

and will...

2009-06-25T08:19:00.007+08:00

someone show me the way
take away all of the pain
its setting in heavy inside
though i've sacrificed more than my ego and pride

the knife found on the scene
drenched with the dreaded red fluid
did you come to stand with your thoughts
or to wash away the blood

i have been dealt a glimpse of hell
look into my black eyes,can you tell
the darkness within,killing me
and yet i yearn to stay on this scene

am i supposed to leave with my head down
pretend i am fine when in fact i am burnt
i will fight;i will fall
till the angels save me from it all

its screaming to let you know
that i am still right here below
i need you;i want you;i see you there
but you don't even know;you don't even care

'if this is what its like;
then i might just quit

sick with myself;
but i've got no one else'

and i...

2009-06-24T13:42:00.002+08:00

hate this fucking feeling
like i don't fucking exist
apparently,i am Mr Nobody

'you don't even know;
and probably don't even care'

but that's okay
its partly my fault
...

and i told you so...

2009-06-24T09:30:00.003+08:00

i thought i told you baby
what goes around
comes back around
...

and this rhyme is specially for you:-

'The future that we both drew,
And all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you,
The pain just grew and grew!

How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you,
It never was enough and
The world is what I gave to you'

you were too greedy
nothing was enough
now you've been done unto
what you did to me
tell me,
how does it feel?
it's exactly what i felt

...

p.s. i came across this somewhere on the Net

'Love can sometimes be magic;
but magic can sometimes just be an illusion'

so fucking true don't you think?

and they say...

2009-06-23T23:38:00.001+08:00

i focus too much on pretending
just to hide the truth
but the truth is..
it hurts.

'i used to be lovestruck;
now i'm just fucked up'

and it's all just a circle...

2009-06-22T17:16:00.002+08:00

I won't breathe unless you breathe
Won't bleed unless you bleed
Won't be unless you be
Till i am gone and i can sleep

I am running in circles
I hurt myself
Just to find my purpose

Everything is so worthless
I don't deserve this
But to me you are perfect

...

and hear me out...

2009-06-22T00:08:00.003+08:00

i see now
this shit i feel inside
its one-sided.

just let me burn
for the thoughts
when i am just thoughtless.

just let me burn
for the heart
when i am just heartless.

should i say goodbye
i'll take one last breath
push it on my chest till there's nothing left.

i know that
my mind's near its end
i hurt myself and fell.

i've been abused
i feel so used
i'm always thinking of you.

take me
make me
these three tears are deadly.

these lungs have sung this song
for far too long and its true
i hurt too for i miss you.

so watch my chest heave
as this breath breathes your name as it leaves
I AM TRYING TO BE
WHAT YOU'RE DYING TO SEE.

and tell me just...

2009-06-21T23:56:00.002+08:00

where

what

who

am i

in your eyes?

do

you

even

see

me

in your eyes?

'i am trying to be;what you're dying to see'
'sick of myself;but i've got no one else'

and this is...

2009-06-21T11:23:00.006+08:00

the new entry to my top ten favourite bands: Hollywood Undead
Their genre: Rap Rock
Members:Charlie Scene · Johnny 3 Tears · J-Dog · Da Kurlzz · Deuce AKA Tha Producer · Funny Man

my favourite member: Da Kurlzz
partly because of his mask
damn cool.hahas
he's the drummer of the band

and...

2009-06-19T10:52:00.005+08:00

you are just too perfect for me

and
you don't even know

and
is there a possibility
my dream
will become
a reality

and
should i let you know

and
will i
get the
chance
to prove
myself

and
will you
let me in
someday

...

p.s. to the bitch from my past,my hell : -

my heart;your knife
my blood;your smile

your promises;my hell
your lies;i felt

and would you...

2009-06-17T09:27:00.002+08:00

care to find out
if i am the exception?
i'll prove you wrong
take my hand
don't let go
and i'll take you
to a place
no one will ever know
a place
where your misery will die
just
give me
a
chance
it will be
the best choice
you will
ever make
in your life
so far
...

'it might not make sense now;
but let's take a chance

you can kill me later;
if i hurt you'

and i...

2009-06-16T12:42:00.004+08:00

don't need you
not yet
but i want you
i miss you
but i..
don't need you..
yet...

you're a constant thought
this is how i feel
but am i even making sense?

and so it goes...

2009-06-14T21:36:00.002+08:00

round and round again
i wonder when was the turning point
that caused that huge twist of fate
and left me living the life of the wretched
the wanderer
the soulless

and so it goes...
round and round again
coming to a full circle
a vicious circle
the prospect
the hope
the oppurtunity
the realisation
the misery
the darkness
the confusion
the lost
the pain
and at the end of it all..
THE END.

and so it goes...
round and round again
the never-ending search
for the righteous
for the virtue
for the sign
a glimpse of its eyes
and then
like always
it disappears
the coldness then engulfs me
colder than my heart
if you can imagine

and so it goes...
round and round again
till i get
a call
from
GOD

'like a free for all;
the good ones are always taken'

and until...

2009-06-11T23:44:00.002+08:00

there's nothing left of me

take this heart;
its ticking like a cheap clock

take this heart;
its ticking like a time bomb

i am not running anymore
i'll stand my ground
face the odds
i'll fight
for every breath
till there's nothing left of me...

all i need is
you
to believe in me...

and try chewing on this...

2009-06-11T10:19:00.005+08:00

If there is no such thing as perfection,
then why do people still insanely strive for perfection?

on the other hand,
am i surprised with whats going on lately?
no.
it has happened more than once before.
i am used to it.
but it does not mean i like it.
i really need school to re-open soon.
at least over there,
i can take out my frustrations
at whoever happens to cross my path.
so yea,for the next few weeks,
cross my path at your own risk fags.
especially you.
you one stupid,idiotic motherfucker.
you want trouble?
you'll get it.
to those who really knows me (yea just a few handful of you),
don't worry.
i am not gonna be who i was back then.
the one who used temper to solve problems.
this time,
i am just gonna use words to hurt.
but if it comes down to it,
i WILL use force.
meh,fuck you.
i need an outlet for all this pent-up energy...

'i spent my time;
contemplating your end'

and to irni...

2009-06-08T22:10:00.002+08:00

i will definitely miss you
thats for sure
looks like my lonely nights
are gonna get lonelier
cause there will be nobody
to chat or text or layan my nonesense
hahahha
but i think i will survive
if you promise you'll come back
hahahah
anyway
have fun over there yea
try not to miss me
muahahahahah
okay take care aites
happy holidaying my gendeng friend
:))

and i will...

2009-06-07T22:10:00.002+08:00

defy the odds
fight for the rights
battle for my beliefs
struggle for my dreams
refuse to give in
reach for what's rightfully mine
uplift the beaten
entice the damned
envelope the darkness
recreate the beaten path
change my destiny
evolve
take you down
and
WIN THE WAR
...

'out of the darkness;
comes a hero'

and this one is for you...

2009-06-06T00:55:00.002+08:00

NORLIYANA BTE ABDUL MANAF!
OUR PLAN TO MEET UP NEXT WEEK BETTER JADI.
BECAUSE.
I.
MISS.
YOU.

:)

and i shall...

2009-06-05T23:32:00.001+08:00

remind you gently that
winning battles
DOES NOT
mean
you have won
the war
kid
...

and this is...

2009-06-04T13:07:00.004+08:00

A GENIUS AT WORK.

THE ONE AND ONLY.

JARED LETO.

30 SECONDS TO MARS.

and the best actor award goes to...

2009-06-03T23:54:00.002+08:00

ME.

i
smiled
laughed
joked
teased
pretended
not to care
nothing's wrong
nothing's bothering me

what a performance
what an actor
a round of applause please...

and you are...

2009-06-02T23:12:00.006+08:00

beautiful
but i am a loser inside
on a suicide mission to die...

p.s. Beautiful Loser - William Control
look it up...

and how...

2009-06-02T12:43:00.008+08:00

do i say sorry
for whatever shit i may have caused you
how do i say sorry
when one look at it
as irreversible
thinking back
it slipped under my radar
in a world i created on my own
delusional
i got carried away
with something that never existed
and never will
my intentions never change
what i wanted stays the same
take a look
they were pure
my heart may be black
but my intentions were never tainted
Is this where I let go
Is this where I get by on my own now
I'm on my own
Am I breaking up
Is there something wrong here
Something's wrong...

'so why don't you let me know if i could
grow with you, i'm falling for you
i think it's time for me to say
i've kept this mouth shut far too long
i'm sorry, i'm sorry'

and its time...

2009-06-01T15:57:00.010+08:00

to go back to post-hardcore.
SCREAM.

and to whom it may concern (yes i am referring to you 'orang'):

dude,whoever you are,i shall assume you're not 6 years old.
but you're acting like one.
and i am assuming you're a guy.
if you're a chick,well,is that you Norani?you're already irritating enough in class.
will you stop bothering me?
hahah
anyway,hate tags?come on man.you can do better than that.
i don't know you;you don't know me.
you don't have the rights to call me names.
and neither do i to do likewise.
so i shall keep my cool,i won't curse or swear,and shall handle this maturely.
'org taik rambut taik'?
say what you want man.
that's just your opinion.
and people are entitled to their opinions.
so here's my opinion(blogs after all,ARE for opinions): i actually think my hair is pretty cool.
call it emo or whatever.i have flaws.everybody does.
but at least,i don't go around calling people i don't know names.
if i did something to offend you somehow,come right to me.
talk to me.
because,I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG TO ANYONE.
but if you think i did something to you,
i am right here man.
tell me what i did.
if indeed,i did something wrong,then i shall apologise.
but until i am proven guilty,i shall fight for my rights.
peace out man.the world has too much wars going on already.
i shall monitor my tagboard very closely for you...
:)

on a side note,
one's need to be constantly reassured,
sickens me.

and with eyes wide shut...

2009-06-01T00:35:00.003+08:00

i realise
that it is nothing
but fucking pain
misery
dark
blood
death
or what some of you call
LOVE
i just know
it hurts
and i can't bear it no more
and no i don't believe in love
i took a chance and decided to take its hand
and look what it did to me...

'my heart is no longer what you know
for i have become heartless.'

and it hurts...

2009-05-30T00:01:00.005+08:00

that she's not by my side.
that i have to hide the truth for the greater good.
that there is nothing i can do.
that everything i do might be their downfall.
that she might blame me.
that she might hate me...

(to those who reads this blog of mine,yes erm,all three of you,you might have noticed that i dont blog like other people.i dont post what happened to me minute by minute.that is boring and what you can get elsewhere.so i decided to narrate.like i am telling a story.sometimes from a first person point of view and other times,from third person.you can interpret my posts any way you like.but it is all true.it is all from my own personal experience.so happy reading.)

and her...

2009-05-27T22:43:00.003+08:00

smile
brightens up my day
everyday
fills me up with hope
and a longing i can barely suppress
then guilt seeps in
a feeling of dread
and frustration combined
knowing there's a line
that i can't cross
yet so desperately want to
and my hope and dream
breaks and dies
along with me...

and your hand...

2009-05-25T22:38:00.001+08:00

they trembled.
and your voice...
it quivered.
and your eyes...
how they lit up.
and yet we know...
WE CAN'T.

and the truth hurts...

2009-05-24T01:51:00.002+08:00

she is off limits
and
it is driving me crazy..
i want her badly
and
yet i know
i must stay away
.....

'silence is screaming your name'

and she whispers...

2009-05-24T00:37:00.002+08:00

"you're so sweet..."

and i breathed
"thanks.but erm,there's a guy with a hacksaw in his hands running towards me
with a pissed off expression on his face screaming vulgarities.:

and she stammered
"oh shhiiiitttt......that's my boyfriend.
i think this is the part where you scream like a girl and run."

and i gasped
"good idea."

and she said...

2009-05-23T17:51:00.003+08:00

i should smile more.
because she loves looking at my dimples.
-_-

any way,i just got back from my driving practical.
i think i did okay considering i haven't drove for a month.
been a hectic and exhausting week.
changed teams for every module.
UTs coming up.I should revise this weekend.
hmmm....
went to watch 'Night at the Museum 2' at EHub! last night at midnight.
as usual,raman and zz drove their cars.
then headed to east coast to eat.
don't know what my plans are tomorrow.
strangely,i am looking forward to going back to school on Monday.
hmm...

and the old me is...

2009-05-22T20:41:00.001+08:00

dead and gone.

and this is...

2009-05-22T14:11:00.003+08:00

probably the best team this week.

and you sweared...

2009-05-21T23:43:00.002+08:00

that your heart literally skipped a beat.
well guess what?
mine stopped beating...

and for some reason...

2009-05-20T23:12:00.002+08:00

i know YOU will be reading this.
its not your fault.
sorry for the way i have been treating you.
you have always been there through my ups and downs
and you still are.
i appreciate it.
you know i do.
i promise to treat you better once i get my act together.

'if only things were a little different;
maybe we could have been...'

and will you please...

2009-05-20T22:42:00.002+08:00

quit playing games?
just what are you doing?
you know how i feel.
stop doing this to me.
you make me go crazy
because you know i can't possess you.
please...
take it all with you and run away from me...

'take a spike;
stake my heart before the sun goes down'

and i was brought to my knees...

2009-05-20T21:51:00.002+08:00

i feel broken.
the sight of it all.
it crushed me.
the pain i hide inside.
it feels heavy on my shoulders.
someone tranquilize me.
numb the pain.
trade this wretched soul of mine.
i don't even care how.
you used me.
staked my heart.
my blood on your hands.
you laugh at it all.
and i lay here dying...

'i don't believe in love;
and yet i keep coming back for more

stop this hypocrisy;
kill me

cover me with sedatives;
one pill and i will feel fine'

and you set out to kill...

2009-05-19T23:16:00.003+08:00

breathe in slowly now..
inhale and watch me bleed..
for you my one and only..
darling,don't lie to me..
don't mind me,
i am only dying...

and they say...

2009-05-19T08:31:00.001+08:00

"best friends can never be lovers"

somehow,for some reason,i am wishing that is not true..

and you should get it...

2009-05-19T08:28:00.001+08:00

Aiden's new album 'Knives' is out.
Go get it.
I already have.
Albeit illegally
hehs.

and her name is Lisa...

2009-05-16T22:47:00.002+08:00

she is cute,hot and beautiful.
she goes to the mosque every week with her family
she is smart and the only person i know in RP
who makes the effort to read 6th Ps.
and above all,she is beautiful inside and outside.
too bad...
she's attached...

and you keep raising...

2009-05-16T18:18:00.003+08:00

your voice when you talk to me.
you disapprove everything i do.
you look at me with disappointment.
and yet you wonder why i do not talk to you on a daily basis.
we have nothing to talk about dad.
we have nothing in common.
not when you keep disagreeing with me.
it's not me who needs a waking up dad.
it's you.
open your eyes and deflate your ego.
be a hero.
even if it's for a day...